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What do you know now that you wished you knew while you were growing up?

Kuya ❤️

Kuy sent me a message yesterday. He told me that I should be strong and that I should stick to what I think and believe is good for me. He told me that the joy that tomorrow will bring will always be better than the pain that I feel today.

Thank You for the gift of family and love, Lord. 

5 years after..

...and I still look like shit. 

Hm

All ready but with nowhere to go. I'll figure this out. I have to figure this one out.

Right now...

I'm not happy. It's just not heavy anymore. I'm not sure what to do from here. 

Last night, I tripped alone. I was wishing you were there the whole time. It was still good. But it's not the same. 

Without you, this is what it feels like.

Now That I'm Thinking

Now that I'm thinking about it.. I love you. I know it inside me. I really, really love you. So much so that I gave everything that I could and kind of forgot of myself. It's not your fault that I turned into how I am. It's my fault that I allowed myself to get lost in what we had. What happens to me is my responsibility, I was wrong for blaming you. You're right, we've had good times and it's my fault that I only focused on the bad stuff. I'm sorry it had to be like this, that it had to end like this.

I hope I could fix myself sooner than later. And I hope that by then, our paths will cross again. 

Song for the Moment

Listen to This is What it Feels Like by Armin van Burren. That's where I am at this very moment. 

..

Let's still go to the places we planned to see.

Hey

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything. I know I had my share of bad things that I brought into what we had. I'm sorry I cannot be what you want and need anymore- actually I don't think I was ever what you wanted and needed. I was never enough.  I'm sorry for the ugly things that I said and did to you.  I'm sorry for being bad to you.

Thank You

It's almost that time of the year again when I look back at the year that has passed- the stuff I did and did not do, the things that happened to me, the different events in my life and just about anything else worth looking back at.

I'm just writing this now a bit early.  There's still a little over a month before the year ends but so much stuff has happened that I think I still have enough to write about later on.

2013 was different in a lot of ways. I learned a lot of new things about life.  I got to know myself better and by better, I mean not necessarily the good things about myself.  I learned a lot of bad things about myself.  I found out that I can be violent and really unkind when I am provoked.  I realized that if I choose to do so, I can put my foot down in a not-so-calm manner.  I do not like being attacked and because of that, I realized that I can fight back and because of that, things can get ugly. I cannot handle intense fights because I think that I will never understand why small things should be blown out of proportion in the first place.  And the worst thing is, I thought I was simple and that no matter how complicated things are, I'd stay the same.  This year, I realized that I cannot stay the same.  I cannot be exposed to complicated things on a regular basis and remain simple and steady.  I learned that my love for someone cannot conquer all.  I learned that sometimes, no matter how much I want someone and something to work and if I give it my all and my best, it will not always work.  I realized that sacrifices will not always equate to happiness.  I felt for myself that I can actually look at someone that I said I love and not feel anything anymore.  And when I ask myself why, I don't have any explanation other than, "I'm just so tired."  I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some things will just not fall into place.  Or maybe they fall into place for a while but since it's not meant to fall into place, it just needs a little shaking to fall through again.

On the other hand, I realized that I can be alone and be happier.  I understand the saying that being alone is better than being with the wrong person & that who I want is not always who I really need & that there are times when I have to make the call as to when to continue trying harder or just giving it a rest already.  I learned to be strong to accept that fact that I have a lot to work on myself as well and that I will need to figure this thing out on my own.

I appreciate the value of my relationship with God more now.  I appreciate my family and their love for me more.  When I get home, I appreciate the warmth and the comfort that I get from my family.  I am reassured that whatever happens, I will have my family to come home to.  I appreciate the value of my friends and colleagues too.  I am not as available to them when they are in need, but they are always there when I am the one who needs to just breathe and vent or whatnot.

2013 was a crazy ride that I do not regret getting into.  I learned things and I've picked up stuff that can help me become a better person.  Although admittedly, at this point I think I would not want to go back and get on that ride again.

I'll find my calm and steady self.  And things will be back to normal again.

Til the next one.

Oh yes.

I'm Back

It's been a long, long while since I wrote anything here. I think I'll be dropping by a little more often starting today.

A lot has happened in the past months and I just feel relieved that I can run to this means of expressing myself again.

I feel lighter now.

Will write again soon!