The End...

..of 2008.

Last one for this year :)

Redemption Song by Lauryn Hill and Ziggy Marley
"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery;
none but ourselves can free our minds."

Turn Your Lights Down Low by Lauryn Hill and Ziggy Marley
"Loving you is a like a song I replay
Every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day
And every chorus was written for us to recite
Every beautiful melody of devotion every night
It's potion like this ocean that might carry me
In a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me
And every word, every second, and every third
Expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard
And when I play them, every chord is a poem
Telling the Lord how grateful I am cause I know him
The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress
If you asking then I'm telling you it's yes
Stand in love, take my hand in love, God bless"

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane
"And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?"

Your Every Color by Train
"I love your every color,
I love your everything."

Inevitable by Anberlin
"I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have."

Better Together by Jack Johnson
"It's always better when we're together."

Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band
"I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me."

Light Up the Sky by Yellowcard
"Let me light up the sky, light it up for you.
Let me tell you why I would die for you."

The Scientist by Coldplay
"Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard."

Drops of Jupiter by Train
"Tell me, did you sail across the sun,
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded,
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there?"

My Wish by Rascal Flatts
"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish."

Hot n Cold by Katy Perry
"Someone, call a doctor,
got a case of love bi-polar."

The Mixed Tape by Jack's Mannequin
"Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of."

Slide by Goo Goo Dolls
"And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Baby put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Baby do you wanna get married
Or run away ."

Only Hope by Switchfoot
"So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope."

Run by Snow Patrol
"Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear."

Closer

Come a little closer,
let me hear your softest,
almost inaudible whisper.
Come closer.
So close that I'd be able to hear
your thoughts.

Probably?

Why would you give away a keeper?
Could be you're just so scared to lose.
Probably.
Yeah, most probably.

Slide

Why don't you slide?
Yeah, we're gonna let it..

Slide.

It's 1:50 am.

Currently seeing rainbows
and everything is floating.
Kick in the air
and it feels so light.
Jump. Oh no,
don't jump.
And then I stop.
And then I think.
What have I gotten myself into?
Again.
What have I been doing lately?
Does it really matter?
Does it always have to make sense?
This one doesn't.
For sure, it doesn't.
But there are rainbows,
sometimes, even butterflies.
Going, going, gone.
Off to dreaming.
It doesn't always have to make sense.

I'm Blank

Downright dumbfounded.
Others can really be unbelievably,
inconceivably and utterly...
UGH.
Beyond words.
Words cannot even explain.
It's that...
WAH.

This is my personal space.
My refuge. Writing was, is and will always be my refuge.

If you don't like what you see,
Uhm..
Then just don't look?
Please?
Thank you.

And oh, Merry Christmas.

Now What

I simply cannot discern
who to love,
and who to burn.

Silence

Shut the windows,
shut the doors.
Close your eyes,
cover your ears,
forget the madness.
I'm here.
All yours.

In my silence, I'm all yours.

Dilemma

I'm torn between this life I lead
and where I know I'm supposed to stand.

Good in Everyone

Every individual, regardless of who and what they are
and how they choose to project themselves,
will always have something good in them.

It just varies in the way it is manifested and presented to the world.

Bottom line, there is a good side to every human being
--or to every human being in our lives for that matter.

Just take time to find it, see it and appreciate it.

To Whom It May Concern:

Some random questions popped inside my head.
Ask yourself these questions,
then try to find answers inside of you.

--What good stuff have you done lately?
--Where are you going?
--We all wear masks, what does your mask cover?

*Okay, Fight.

I am not going to deny anything.

I am not going to contradict the stuff that you claim
about us being the greatest comfort there is to each other,
being able to get that "beach trip" vibe that we want so we could get away
from the world for a bit at the convenience of the couch or the garage,
or because we are two completely different individuals who share
the same perspectives, different experiences and whatnot

--simply because it is the same for me.

What I meant by waiting is that you give everything time.
Time for things to settle on it's own..
I can't answer your question, "What should I do?", as much as I would want to.

But have you tried asking the question, "Should I do anything right now?"?
Maybe you should not do anything first,
and just let things be for a little while.

See how things will turn out.

And however things turn out,
I'll hang around --as I've said for the nth time.

*Sit Still

Stand with an apple in your head.

For now, this is what you should do.

This person --she matters more now. Her feelings, her welfare, everything.

These are all parts of who you are now --of what you do, say or think as a being.

Not that they were not a part of you before, but they are now, in a deeper more concrete way.

Wait for the dust to settle. Wait for things to clear themselves out for a bit.

When the path is a little clearer, that is when you will start walking to whatever direction
--with a clearer, more visible path.

What exactly will you have to fight for or fight against? Sit still.

Just try to sit still.

*I Do Understand

I know what you mean.
I get it --entirely.

It may seem.. This may seem out of line --well, way out of line.
But I'm here.
And I'll guide you the best way I know how.
I will always be here.
We'll keep things in place.

Now, reality check.
Ugh, I hate doing this, but it's kind of necessary.
But this is what we'll do..

We'll keep up with reality,
with it's painful, restricting and oftentimes,
downright depressing implications.

We will go through this.
With this connection,
this understanding.

I will hang around for you, okay?

I don't walk out of people's lives, Buddy.
That's just not my thing.

Free Your Mind

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery;
none but ourselves can free our minds.

All hail Bob Marley.

Change

So... Okay.
Cliche: Things change and so do people too.

Everyday, everything and everyone changes --one way or another.
Actually, change does not need a day for it to happen.
It only needs a snap, a blink of an eye,
a short breath --a moment.

Although if I may --and of course I will,
I will contradict the stuff written above for a bit.

You see, I have changed.
A lot since whenever.

But there are things in me,
parts of me, pieces of me
--that will always remain the same.

There are marks on me.
Left by the people who held and touched me --figuratively and literally.
And these marks will be here.
I will carry them with me.

As I go through change,
some things in me will always stay the same.

So yeah, things change and so do people too.

But there are just some things that can never be
removed, replaced or displaced
--no matter how drastic the changes might be.

Wishful Thinking

Maybe..
Just maybe..
I can get you alone again one time.

Why don't we just talk about it
somewhere only we now.

This could be the end of everything;
so why don't we go..
Somewhere only we know..

A Symphony

I can write a symphony.
Each note written with my
sincerest thoughts and feelings.

My words.
They are all I have.

And this symphony,
I write for you.
Who is "you" now?
You think it's her?
Though sometimes,
I know you want to think that it's for you.
So who do you think it's for?
I don't know either.

I'm writing a symphony.
In my mind,
I will play it.
And I would not know who it is playing for each time it does.

I know though who my heart will always beat for.
Always and always.

Castles

I have watched my castles fall;
they were made of dust after all.

You were made of dust after all.
Your words and promises
--they're all dust after all.

Just Now

I've talked about lines being crossed.
And just now, I realized,
I've crossed so many lines already.
And now, at this very moment,
I am crossing another.
Gawd, another one.

Random Thought, 8.39am.

I'd trade my soul for peace and clarity.

Boyd, Sept. 1999

I think perhaps love thrives on unlikely circumstance and chance:
Life thrives on those principles and is life not love?
And love not life?

Boyd, Sept. 1999

Schooled

I live, I learn.
I love, I learn.
I cry, I learn.
I laugh, I learn.
I grieve, I learn.
I fight, I learn.
I breathe, I learn.
I trust, I learn.
I feel, I learn.

Life schooled me.
I've yet to learn more but I was sure schooled well enough by life itself.

1st, the 2nd Time Around

So here we are.
We'll do our first the second time around.
Trust me,
I'll make it worth it :)

Put all the anxiety aside,
it's just me.
Free falling is not a problem when I'm the one catching.

Closing Time

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

;)

Dig

We all have a weakness,
but some of ours are easy to identify, look me in the eye.

If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song,
remind me that we'll always have each other
--when everything else is gone.

So when sickness turns my ego up,
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

Crossed Lines

All the lines in the atmosphere
has been crossed.
is being crossed
and will continue to be crossed.

Inked

I put it on my side.
Because I was created from a portion
taken from the side of man.
I put it on the left.
So it is nearer my heart.
I wanted it in the body.
To free it as well.

I wanted to have it.
My philosophy is that freedom does not come free.
It has to be worked hard for.
Things and people have to be sacrificed for freedom.
It does not come easy.

I have it on me now.
And it did not just rub itself on me.
It had to be put there. With pain.
Each line. Each dot. Every bit of it.

So does everything else in life.
Things will not rub themselves on us.
We have to get them on us. For us.
I have to get them for myeslf.
We have to take them and let them stick to us.
I have to take them and let them stick to me.
And people, we have to make them stay.
I have to make them stay.

It's gonna stay on me.
Just here.
Near my heart. On my side.
Emancipation.
Freedom of the body, spirit, mind and most importantly,
the heart.

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines -Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is shattered,
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes?

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her,
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
That night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes,

I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer,
and these the last verses that I write for her.

I Figured

I got a taste of my own medicine.

Haha, karma nga naman.

I'll Hold On

..by letting go of you :)

Although it would not be easy.
Not at all.
And there will always be things that I will never understand.
But hey, life is such.
Life goes on.
Shit happens.
But you were the sweetest shit that happened to me though,
for the record.
So there.
Let's go back to what we were;
friends.

I Know You Know.

Live the life you say you miss.
Care about nothing.
Turn your back.
Walk away now.
Run around.
But when the dust settles
and everything is clear.
Beyond our differences,
beyond everything else,
I know you know where you belong.
I know you know you belong with me.
I know I'm good for you
even if it does not follow that you are the same for me.
Deny it, it's fine.
Deep down,
I know you know you belong with me.

Let's Do It Like This

I live.
You live.
We live.
Let's live.

:X

Sweetest dreams, my sweetest nightmare.
Sleep and rest well tonight.

Six Feet

Hold me now.
I'm 6 feet from the edge,
not thinking,
just sinking.

Last Night

Last night was the last night
that I'm ever gonna give in
to thoughts of you.

Other angels are devils
in disguise.

I was always afraid of the things
that could make us cold
and break us.
Now it's here.
If I were to give in,
I'll take a breath
and make it deep
'coz this may be the last time I can.
This may be the last time you'll get.

One Reason:

I love you.
I will wait because I do.

Uncertainty

I don't know what's happening.
I don't know what can still happen.
I don't know what you feel,
I don't know what I'd feel either.
I just know that I want things back
the way they used to be.
I want you back.
Although I know that nothing is certain.
I do not know anything else
except that I don't wanna lose you.
Baby I cannot lose you.

Needles

Right now,
needles are pricking me.
A hundred,
maybe a thousand of them.
Even a hundred thousand of them.
It hurts, it pains.
Until you're here again,
these needles will go in
deeper and deeper
and deeper.

Astoria

It all began in this special place.
I think it will all end in that exact same place.

Sucks to Remember

I remembered.
And it hurt and it sting.
You said you were not thinking.
Go with the flow, you were flowing.
With her.
And you held her
and you touched her.
like you would if that was me.
It hit me.
It was painful.
I was wounded.
It healed but it left scars.
Scarred forever, maybe longer.
I am scared whenever I remember.
I'm afraid of the pain and the sting and the hurt.
Your touch betrays me when I remember.
You touched her just the same.

Once Upon a Time

I'm crazy. This is crazy.
But I can't help it.
Once upon a time, you loved him.
Once upon a time, you loved her.
There were moments when
he was The One,
there were moments when she was, too.
You loved them and they loved you, too.
Once upon a time, they held you
and you felt that those were the best times.
They became a part of you;
as you are part of me now
and I, a part of you.
Once upon a time, you called them yours
and you were theirs.
Just like what you are to me now,
once upon a time.

Irreplaceable

Finding someone that I can fall in-love with is nice.
But to be able to find someone who can make me fall again
after I have fallen is irreplaceable.

10 Things I'd Say If I Could

1) Give them a chance. They're reaching out. You talk as if you yourself give them a chance to get to you.
2) Thank you so much for before. Pain can sure teach me a lot of stuff.
3) You guys missed your cue. But I love you both nonetheless for everything that you have done and given me.
4) You say pretty fucked up things when your mad and it sucks but that's alright.
5) I look up to you more than I have ever imagined.
6) Sometimes, it's better to keep things to yourself. As in just yourself.
7) I never thought I'd see you this way, so real.
8) Try looking around, things have changed a lot. If I were you, I'd roll with change.
9) It's okay to let go, you know.
10) You tell me this is my life. Question: Is it really?

In the Dark

When it seems
Like the world around you's breaking
And it feels
Like there's no one else around you
And it's quiet
There's a silence in the darkness
And it sounds
Like the carnival is over

As you walk
In the crowded empty spaces
And you stare
At the emptiness around you
You wanna go
To the city and the bright lights
Get away
From the sinners that surround you

Cause I will be there
And you will be there
We'll find each other in the dark
And you will see
And I'll see you too
Cause we'll be together in the dark

Soooo...

What now?

Every Little Thing

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted.

Rules.

Why do I follow rules that I do not understand?

The Ride, Euphoria

I slip in and out of it.
Struggling to stay in it,
but failing and falling at times.
I get back and ride again.
Enjoy the adrenaline and the rush
that the short ride brings.
I fall again.
Dust myself and then get back in.

Dreams

Nobody will place his dreams in the hands of someone whom he knows can break those dreams for him.

It's Only Life

Don't run away.
Don't lose your faith.
Don't hesitate.
Don't be afraid.
Move forward.
Don't look away.
Hey Baby, it's only life.

Question

Is it possible to use the word 'perfect' to describe an almost infinite number of moments that all include just one person?

This Much

I know I'm not supposed to ask,
but I will nonetheless.
Why do you love me this much?

Is It Any Wonder that...

..I am trying
..I feel uptight
..I feel confused
..I am afraid
..I don't know what's right
..I care about not caring anymore

...

Spell it for me. Freedom.
Define free.
Let me know if you find it.
And then tell me how to get it.
Will you?

Fanaticism

Sometimes we force ourselves to be fanatics of something so as to justify our actions.

Some things

...are better left unsaid.

Everything

You're every line,
you're every word,
you're everything..

Pictures in my Head

*You are heavenly.
With you, I know everything will be alright.
It is you I am with,
surely I'll be alright.

*You are the only one
worth hanging on to now.

I saw the pictures in my head vividly.
There is you and me.

I've Nothing

I've got nothing to offer,
and I've nothing to give..
All I have is myself,
and this life that I'm living.
It's all yours,
I'm yours for the taking.

More and More

I love you more
today than yesterday :)

Touch Me

..And I will follow in your afterglow

You Got Me

You got me..
Don't need to wonder how and why..
Just know that you got me..
And I love you everyday..
Don't ever question..
Just clear your worried mind...
Everything will be alright..
You got me..

Erase Your Fears

I want you to see what I see in you.
So that you'd be able to understand
how you look in my eyes.
And then when you see,
then you'd be able to know
why I'd always choose you.
When you are able to see
and you already know,
then maybe I'd be able to erase all your fears.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

Faces. Faces.
Insignificant faces.
One, two, three, four, five.
Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty.
A hundred, a thousand.
Ten thousand, maybe a hundred thousand.
Talking, laughing, sitting, waiting, walking, standing.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Each insignificant face tells its story,
each story counts, each story matters.

Yours.

Loosen my lips.
Everything else with the sway of your hips.
Pull me down hard,
and then drown me in love.

I want to make you believe,
and then make you forget.

12:24 am

Thoughts consist of images and words.
Words said and heard in the past.
Words.
Rain. Flood. Tranquility. Love. Peace. Wings. Everything. Sky. Storm. Babe. Eyes. Confusion. Four-leafed clovers. Loyalty. Heartbeat. Breathing. Yours. Mine. Owned. Memories. Remembering. Music. Random. Wishes. Dreams. Conclusion. Conversations. Telephone. Call. Uplifted. Accepted. God. Touch. Donuts. Chocolates. Figures. Speech. Collide. Treasure. Secret. Moving. Going. Gone.

Confusion?

It's nothing new.

We're Under the Same Sky

No matter how far apart we are,
we would always be under the same sky.
Always, always.

Dreams Happen

I have these dreams;
fed and nurtured by my imagination.
These dreams that I dream,
they are raised high above by fantasy.
The heights to where my dreams are raised
make it vulnerable to get destroyed
and crushed by reality.

But with you, these dreams can happen.
Hold my hand, let's make
dreams happen.

Always Better

It's always better when we're together :P

Can't Not Be Moved

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

Hey, point it up.

Point that vector a little to the north.
No more crashing at lightning speed.

Yours in All Colors

There is the black side.
There is also the white.
These are the clear areas;
--the ones we get,
the ones we understand.
The things where boundaries
and limits are set,
where lines are clearly drawn.
There, however, are the grays.
Things we do not get,
do not understand
and perhaps we'll never do.
Things that haunt us,
frustrate and scare us.
Things that for some unreasonable reason
we cannot just disregard.
But through all these
one thing is sure,
I am yours..
In the blacks, the whites
and even in the grays.

Currently feeling:

Incapable.
Undeserving.
Deficient.
Lacking.
Helpless.
Inadequate.
Insufficient.
Powerless.
Unable.

I Found You

You are the best kept secret of my generation;
You are the best kept secret of the world.
And I found you.
Now, I'm keeping you.

...You Told Me :)

"Girl, you’re the first time in a long time that I felt this way
I’ve seen your smile before but it never made me high
Baby, please don’t go and end it before it’s begun
I know it’s easy to make excuses but you know it can’t be undone"

I Drown.. In a Good Way

I could drown inside a single drop
of all the kinds of things you got
And all the kinds of things I'm not.

I Like What I See

For the first time in the longest time,
I like what I see
when I close my eyes.
For the longest time
I did not want to close my eyes
but now, I like what I see
inside my head.
My head is filled with thoughts
and images of you.
That's why.

I Heard You Say

You have said those sweet words.
You spoke them
like lyrics of a song;
attuned to the melody;
each beat and each note
falling into place --perfectly.

Once in a While

You broke my walls,
allowed me to fall.
You showed me that it's alright
to put my guard down
once in a while.

All I Can Taste

All that I can taste is your sweetness.

As Far As I Can See

I see me holding you
and cherishing every part of you
and being here for you.
Loving everything that makes up
the whole of you.

I Can Guarantee:

You won't find nobody else like me ;)

You Change Me

You turn me into something
that I would rather be.

When We Collide

When we collide, we lose ourselves.
When we collide, we could break in two.
And when we push and we pull ourselves,
we hurt the ones we love,
the ones we truly love.
Everytime we collide.

Could It be This

Could it be true?
Can life be new?
Could it be all that I am,
is in you?
Could it be this?
Could this be bliss?
Can it be you?

The Best Way I Know How

I will give all that I can give.
Do everything that I can do.

I will hold you and care for you
and cherish every bit of you
and understand you and accept you
and keep you and be the one for you
the best way I know how.

Break Clocks

Let's break every clock,
so that the hands of time will never move again.
Then we could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives.

Beached

Trust me.
It's Paradise.
This is where the hungry come to feed.
For mine is a generation that circles the globe
in search of something we haven't tried before.

So never refuse an invitation,
never resist the unfamiliar,
never fail to be polite,
and never outstay your welcome.

Just keep your mind open and
suck in the experience,
and if it hurts,
you know what, it's probably worth it.

You hope and you dream,
but you never believe that something is gonna happen for you.
Not like it does in the movies,
and when it actually does,
you expect it to feel different;
More visceral,
more real.
I was waiting for it to hit me.

Walking Away

No more walking away please.
I do not think that I could be able to handle any more of that.

I Love It, the Color

I love it when you're in purple, blue, yellow or pink.
I love it when you're in black or brown or white.
I love it when you are in green or red.
I love it, the color, any color, when it's the color that you wear.

Heaven

Heaven is not a place where you go when you die;
it is that moment in your life when you finally feel alive.

All in All

All in all,
you will NEVER be just a brick in the wall.

Gawd.

I miss you. I really do.

I look & I stare

I look at you and I can't help but stare.
You wear nothing
but you wear it oh so well.

I am

..your weirdo :)

The Highest Place

I can say that my soul is at a very high place right now.

But I will never forget and never, ever deny that the highest place on earth
and the life after our life here on earth
is still being down at the Lord's feet :)

I Love...

I love it when you contradict yourself when it is just the two of us.
I love the way you let me into the whole of you when you said that you do not just allow anyone in.
I love the way that you are so honest about every single detail of you --the way you feel and what you think;
And how you make fun of me when I react unfavorably but still comfort me and assure me adorably.
I love the way you show to me the part of you that the world cannot see.
I love that you see the ordinary things in me so distinctively.
I love the fact that for you, the usual things done with other people if done with me, are all specially different.

I've Never Imagined This

I have never imagined that I'd ever get this close to you.
I've never imagined seeing, feeling, hearing and experiencing this part of you.
I guess the best things do come when we least expect them to.
The best part of my life now came when I least expected it to.
The best part of me now is you.

Just Us

In our world we can touch and we can be.
And we can talk and we can understand and we can share
and we can reach and we can laugh and we can like and even love.
In our world we can be just us.

Your Last First

I want to be your last first kiss.
I want to be your last first love.
I want to be your last first head-over-heels crazy roller coaster ride.
I want to be your last first good morning hug.
I want to be your last first everything.
:)

Semi-charmed Life

You are that special someone else that will help me get through this semi-charmed life.
I don't have to take sips of you through my nose to get lifted up.
And besides, I don't think I can take sips of you through my nose anyway :))
I just need to see you and be able to talk to you and share what I'm thinking
and hold you and listen to you and I'll be high enough to see that the sky is gold.

Fate and Faith

Fate and faith.
We should have faith in what is in store for us.
We should have faith in what the future holds.
For with faith, wherever fate brings us,
we will have the courage and the grace to accept
however things turn out to be.

:)

They said I've got to have something to stand up and fight for.
Because if not, I'd just fall for anything.
Now that I've got you, now that I am holding you,
I will stand up and fight for you.

Heroin

YOU ARE EXACTLY MY BRAND OF HEROIN.

Nodody else will understand

Nobody else will understand, not even you.
You do not see yourself as I see you.
You are not like anyone that I have ever known.
You are fascinating. Beyond fascinating.
And obviously, it follows that you fascinate me more than anyone else could.

Honestly?

Honestly speaking,
you caught me off-guard :)
Those things? They just happened.
Oh so perfectly.

It is all Perfect

We held each other close and tight.
In that moment, in those passing seconds, minutes, hours,
everything felt right.
It felt right holding you and whispering in your ear
how amusing you are,
whispering in your ear and asking,
"What is it with you?"
And then you'd just smile and shrug so innocently.
You fit right into my arms and my fingers fit right into yours.
It is all perfect.

In that moment,
it seemed that everything else was worth letting go of.

The Best

You are the best among the best ones.

All 5

All 5 horizons revolve around your soul;
--as the earth to the sun.

AS I DO TO YOU.

Wanna feel what I feel?

It doesn't hurt me.
YOU WANNA FEEL WHAT I FEEL?
YOU WANNA HEAR WHAT DEAL I'M MAKING?
If I only could make a deal with God. I WOULD.
You say you don't wanna hurt me.
But you should see how deep the bullet lies.
TELL ME. TELL ME AGAIN.
Tell me you don't want to hurt me.

Oh no.

OH NO.
That night couldn't be more unexpected.

Tell Me

Tell me..

We both matter, don't we?

I Will

I will hold you down when you shake. I will listen to your dreams. I will not plug my ears when you scream. I will tell you when something is not right. I will keep you together when you break. I will pick you up when you fall. I will come around when you call. I will hold you through the night.

Is it alright?

Is it alright to say that you are the only one breaking me down like this?
You are the only one I'd take a shot at.
You are the only one that keeps me hanging.
SO CONTAGIOUSLY.

Skeptical

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end?

Okay. Maybe this one can be true. Whatever.

Your Taste

It has been a long, long while.

But I can still remember just the way you taste.

Wrong thought

I HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT I LOST YOU SOMEWHERE.

BUT COME TO THINK ABOUT IT, YOU WERE NEVER REALLY THERE AT ALL.

Crazy

The world is crazy. Life is crazy. What is the point of struggling to stay sane? Let's all just be crazy. I know I'll be. Actually, I am already.

Your dictionary definition

YOU; noun-

1. can bring me to highest heights;
2. can bring me down to the lowest, deepest and darkest depths;
3. can build me up and bring me down;
4. can amuse and confuse me beyond comprehension;
5. can be unbelievably deceiving and still be amazing;
6. will always, always, always be puffed like a bad habit.

I feel alive

IN THIS STRUGGLE I FIND LIFE.

IN HAVING AND LOSING YOU,
I FEEL ALIVE.

That Moment

...i still believe in paradise but now at least i know its not some place you can look for because its not where you go, its how you feel for a moment in your life and if you find that moment, it lasts forever.


Paradise is that perfect moment. Or those perfect moments.

I found myself in those perfect moments with you.

I found you in the dark

I found you at a very dark point in my life. And I shared you with the dark.

Unfortunately, I was not able to bring you with me when the light came. Am I not meant to be with you during the good times?

If I could get another chance to go back to that dark place, I would go back. In a heartbeat.

Just to see if I'd find you there again.

My Vision Board

A vision board is basically a board with all the things I want to have.

It will include a car. A BMW 1 series. It will be color black. It will include a condominium unit in Eastwood. The one like my Tita's. It will have a big house as well. A very big one. It will also have the Techno Marine I've been dying to have. It will have the sleekest phone and laptop. And guess what, right at the very center, it will have you.

Yes, my vision board has you in it. Right at the heart of everything.

You are

Amusing but confusing.

It is 10.23 pm

I am not surprised that to this day, my world stops when I see you.
I am not surprised that each word from any conversation, insignificant as it may be, plays in my mind like a favorite record.
I am not surprised that at one call, I'd still come.
I am not surprised that the thought of you can sustain me.
I am not surprised that for me, everything seems to be a sign pointing to you even if in reality, it will never do.
I am not surprised that I am still concerned of the littlest things about you.

I am not surprised about anything at all because you are you and I am me and the effect you have on me is.. I dunno. Such.

Senses

Our senses are gifts given to appreciate everything and everyone that is there.
Senses are there to see even in the darkest, to hear in the noisiest and to feel even in nothingness.


The eyes. It is used to see light and darkness alike. It is used to capture images that will be stored as memories to be cherished.
But then the same eyes that see beauty, see what is not beautiful. Eyes that are peeking with concealment into whatever is there. Judging. Eying. Painfully tainting the perfection in the imperfections of things and beings.

The ears. Allows to cherish words that are spoken, sung and those that are even unheard --the ears of the heart. Hearing opens the gates of the imagination fastened between the silence in each and everyone.
But these ears. They are used to distort the beauty of silence. They distort the rhythm of life. Sounds are to be taken as they are. Words are to be understood as they are said. But the ear. These ears. They destroy what is supposed to be imperfectly perfect.

The sense of taste. Tasting the sweetness and the bitterness of all that is there.
But this one sense. It gratifies the soul of whoever is tasting what is spread in front of him. It becomes an avenue for pleasure that is mistaken for genuine emotions that in reality are crooked feelings of disjoint affection and attraction.
That taste. Yes, that sense of taste.

Touch. It is for feeling. Hot and cold, warm and cool. For the soul, touch is for passion. It is for love and care and trust and companionship. Touch is for sharing the feeling of what is great. Something more and beyond pleasure. It is for peace and assurance.
But this touch. It betrays and it hurts. It wounds and it scars.


And in all their seeming perfection,
senses fail.

What's Drawing

Your..

Conviction.
Turtles.
Four-leafed clovers.
Stars.
Lyric-driven songs.
Wonderful insanity.
Writing.
Thoughts.
Words.
Smile.
Flaws.
Beliefs.
Being.

Heat Wave

The heat.
An undesirable feeling, an unwanted sensation.
An uncomfortable streak of seconds, minutes and hours that pass.
That unbearable tinge of sweat.

Yet somehow, it is longed for. It is awaited.
For in heat, there is passion and there is willingness to give.
That precious portion of one's self that is kept from everything and everyone else.

In that moment, in that seemingly uncomfortable streak that pass,
all is given, that precious portion.
Nothing else matters.

Average

I do average things in average ways,
accomplish average things through exerting average effort.

I dream of average dreams and hang on to average hopes,
desire averagely desirable desires.

I say average things with average conviction,
give average affection accompanied by average feelings of connection.

I feed off average thoughts and average results of an idle mind,
averagely laugh at averagely funny extremes.

I walk around carrying average truths and hide behind average lies,
keeping to myself an average combination of authenticity and hypocrisy.

I get average eventualities from average demands,
average satisfaction from average actions.

I reach average heights because of average leaps of faith,
average depths with average sinking underneath.

I feel average feelings and emotions,
average urges and pushes and waves of unclear currents.

I go to average lengths and just get to average distances,
average extents for average effects.

I breathe, bathe, feed, sleep, trip, grip, munch on all that is average,
average seems to be the only property I can claim.

I live an average life;
And probably die an average death.

Acquire average wealth,
and leave them to my heirs in average trays.

Average.

The Ultimate Crush

I am 20 now. I had a crush on this guy since I was in grade 3. I was.. 9. Yes, 9 years old.

He is my neighbor, my then-bus mate, my then-teammate, my then-playmate, we went to the same school obviously, went to the same church, went to the same university and took the same course.

Those were not exactly coincidences though.

I played tennis because he and his sister invited me to. I joined the tennis varsity so I can eventually invite him to join too. I go to church at 6 in the evening partly because the chances of seeing him there was pretty high. I started playing badminton before tennis because we played it on the street outside our houses. I wrote the course I am taking now on the list of course choices partly because I knew he was taking it. Part of the reasons why I actually chose my school now was because he was going there too. I tried to ride the skateboard and crashed because I found out he knew how to skateboard. I wanted my Dad to pick me up after tennis practice every time so that I could give him a ride home. I would buy so much candy when I was in grade 5 so that if ever he asks for some, I'd have some to give to him. I ditched my friend who offered me a ride from school only because he offered me a ride too. I smoked in broad daylight outside my house with my Mom inside only because he asked if we could smoke first before he left. I played guitar hero because he asked me to. I pretended I didn't like ube on my halo-halo just so he would dip his spoon in my cup to get my ube. I asked my Dad to go around first for a couple of minutes and not pick me up yet just because I was still talking to him. I kept the candy wrappers of the candies I got from him. Some of his messages were on my phone for 4 years, if my phone did not conk out, I'm sure it'll all be there until now. I pass through their street for the sake of passing there. I lose all senses for a few seconds every time I see him.

I loved hanging out with him and talking to him.

He is someone that is so wonderful to admire from a far.

Just from a far.

The 'Good' Guy

"I'm a good guy", that's what he always says.

We knew each other since we were in grade 6. We were seat mates and my best friend had a huge crush on him. We talked a lot. Like a lot. We used to have so much fun making up stupid stuff about our teachers and our other classmates.

We got together at the beginning of high school. We kind of tried it out. I guess we wanted to be each other's confidant, not lover, so we broke it off. I'm happy and very relieved that we did. Because if we didn't, I'm sure I'd die of jealousy and anger. He had so many girls. I cannot understand why all of them keep falling for him. He never gets tired of saying, "She's the one, I swear, she's the one." If ever I'd get money for every wrong girl that turned out, man, I would be filthy rich by now.

He would tell me all about his escapades! Crazy. He told me who is good with what. We were THAT close. I told him my stuff too!

He went away for the States for a while and when he got back, he slept, went to the gym and then went straight here in my house to raid our refrigerator. I loved our random food trips here at home so much. Unfortunately, he had to leave again.

We keep in touch to this day and he still tells me how much of a good guy he is. Really conceited, I'm sorry. Good Guy is an ass. But I love this ass. Haha.

See ya Good Guy!

It is Firm and Unwavering

It comes like the rain, like the snow, like the wind, like the falling off of the leaves, like the sun's summer heat.

It comes in its season; ever so constant and unchanging. It is so constant you can wait for it. It comes almost on cue.

And yet each time it comes, it seems that you are caught off-guard. Each time it comes, it is as if it is new. When you look at it and feel it and even touch it, you know it. You know this emotion, this feeling. You know it by name and you know it by heart.

It has made you stop and think. Even fall.

You know this. You know it.

I know this. I know it.

It is Loneliness.

Sentimentalism

"Sentimentalism is the working off on yourself of feelings you haven't really got."
-D.H. Lawrence

A Big Errant Contradiction

I am one big, walking errant contradiction.

There is confidence. There are doubts and fears.
There is boasting and feeling proud. There is feeling nothing and small.
There is feeling smart, knowing it all. There is feeling dumb.
There is contentment. There is wanting more.
There is happiness. There is grief and loneliness.
There is apathy. There is sympathy.
There is pride. There is too much giving of one's self.
There is moving on. There is going back.
There is trusting. There is holding back.
There is kindness. There is meanness.
There is hardworking. There is sloth.
There is faithful. There is turning away.
There is willingness. There is hesitation.
There is hope. There is giving up.
There is fine. There is messed up.
There is whole. There is incomplete.

Something worth saying

If you find love, no matter who it is with, you are lucky.
-Ashley, South of Nowhere

The Smooth Guy

In our first year in college, I was so scared of him. Our Religion professor asked us to say things about ourselves and Smooth Guy said he liked drinking and gambling. I was trying to exaggeratedly behave then, remember? I was freaked. Plus, he looked really old. Older than anyone of us in that classroom that day.

I never imagined myself being close to him.

First block field trip. We went on a day trip. He offered to bring me to the party I was going to later that night. Just so I would still go with the block to our first official field trip.

Nice move Smooth Guy. Very nice move. He got me right there and I thought he was not so bad after all.

A couple more of the Smooth Guy moves and a lot of classes together, we were as close as we could ever be. Talking about how much we clicked and how much fun we have when we're together. We also discussed that we would not work out as lovers because we would just argue for the rest of our lives. We settled with, "we were better of as friends".

I meant it. He did not.

I ran to Smooth Guy when I got broken because of not-so-ordinary girl. He listened to me and he understood. Or at least he tried to understand. He accepted me and told me that it was all going to be alright.

The following day, Smooth Guy seemed to have lost his smoothness. He told me in front of my face that he loved me. I cried then and there. I told him he was not helping and that I had so much going on already. He assured me. "No Pressure, Love."

Things were alright until he snapped. He told me why I cannot be with him when he's there and I needed somebody. No was not an option. I did not want to lose him. I said yes. I tried so hard to make it work. I really did.

But she changed everything already. She changed me already. I was looking for something different now. Something else. I wanted her.

I am sorry Smooth Guy. I broke you as well. I never intended for all of these to happen.

Goodbye now Smooth Guy.

She is not so Ordinary

(Back to college)

Oh no, she is not.

There is something about Literature classes. I meet people there. This is my second Literature class. The last one that I will have to take.

Initially, she was nothing but a free-rider to me. Someone who joined my group because she feels that she does not have to do anything there. I was never able to ask her for help in any of our projects and she never gave any opinions during group discussions. No worries though, I was used to people like that.

The only conversations we ever had was when she would ask me about things concerning our Literature class --what to read, what to bring, what to do.

One busy night, my group mates and I was finishing a paper at a coffee shop near school and she was there. We greeted each other and sat in different places. Suddenly, my phone was ringing and it was her. She asked me to go to her and help her to fix something in her laptop. Weird but it was alright.

She messaged me that night. Asking me about so many things and she opened up a lot too. We kept in touch and the next thing I knew, I was sitting or lying down next to her in her pad. I was with her every chance that I got. I could say that I grabbed every chance that I could to be with her.

It did not take very long for me to find her amazing. Her thoughts and her views about things and how she expressed them and put them into words seemed so effortlessly wonderful. I found her intelligent and very brilliant. She said things with conviction and so much confidence. Unknowingly, she took me away.

She had no idea how much her words get stuck to my head and repeat itself many times over.

I never knew anyone like her. All the more feel so much attraction that went beyond the physical paradigm. It was an attraction to the amazing person that she was within. Everything was great.

I was so tired of everything then --series of events that were not great at all and the barrage of people who did not bring anything even as vague as a little meaning. Then she came. She gave me new perspective.

I would want to see it like that.

The good times had to stop though. I did not understand. I lost her as fast as she came into my life and changed everything. My views, my perspective. Everything.

Despite that, I never felt anger towards her. I cannot seem to make myself hate her.

I would still grab any chance I could to bring what I can back.

To this day, I would.

The Smoker Guy

Smoker Guy.

Gross.

Trademark all over.

Smoked with. Talked with. Laughed with. Ate with. Got stoned with.

To this day, he wants to add things to the "withs" list.

Yikes.

The Project Guy

He was the type of guy you would look at from a far. The type you would talk about to your friends. How he walks around with that I-don't-care-about-the-world attitude.

We see each other often since we technically have a circle of common friends.

"Are you home? I want to see you. Can we hangout for just a bit?"

We usually hung out at home. I found out how messed up he really was. How he screwed up every chance to straighten up his life that he got. He switched schools as often as he changed clothes. A little exaggerated but I know you know what I mean.
One of my close friends and I, we called him our project. He was so messed up that we wanted to work on him through me.

Things did not work as planned.

Instead of me changing him, he kind of changed me.

He would pick me up in school and we would go anywhere. I liked the spontaneity. I liked it so much. He supplied me with everything I needed to live the life I wanted to live at that moment.

There was nothing more to that though. I was there for the thrill. Project Guy came whenever he would find out that I was not with anyone.

Until he became a father.

The Bald Guy

Crazy night.

Bald Guy? Gross.

A guy, vices and a car don't go well.

The Mature Guy

I had this big fight with him and with her in 2004. I thought I'd lose them both. My boyfriend and my best friend.

Mature Guy. Literally because he was old and he had wisdom. That was what I saw in him then.

I ran to Mature Guy who I thought liked my neighbor at that time but I did not want to talk to anyone from school. I felt that the world was too small and that everyone knew about everything already.

We talked and he made everything alright. I cried a lot and he told me that those things happen for a reason. Everything seemed so right when the words came out of him. He was the perfect person for that so-far-from-perfect moment of my life.

I remember that was during my Christmas break. No classes, no extra-curricular activities. Nothing.

It was me, my neighbor, Mature Guy, my nephew and niece. We would do things here at home, go to the store, swim at the village pool, go to the park and just really be together.
 
At the time he was my ultimate hero. I had no one.

Of course, I let stupid things happen between us. That was starting to become my trademark. Crazy. Gross. Unreasonable.

When classes started, he came back and Mature Guy was out.
 
Mature Guy got so mad but I did not care about him anymore.

He's back. We're back. I got my best friend back a little after.

The Little Guy

My phone beeped.

A few hours after we were first officially introduced, the Little Guy messaged me.

"Are you home already? What are you doing?"

"Yes, I am just home. Just watching TV. Why?"

"Can I drop by? Let's just smoke a little."
We have been smoking for the past hours but what the hell. "Alright. Message me if you're outside already."
We smoked outside my house. We talked. It felt alright. He had to leave. Said he had to go home to eat or something and then drink at one of the older guys' house.

At midnight or a little past midnight Little Guy messaged me.

"Are you still up?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I'm still out. Can I drop by?"

"Sure. See you." 
I do a lot of stupid things. I have foresight and yet I let things happen.

One of my friends liked him and I guess I liked the thought that I was getting him somehow.

For about two or three weeks, it was me, the Little Guy and our secret. Seeing each other before the regular afternoons at the store and then again at midnight after the drinking sessions.

I got tired. He did too.

I don't like the Little Guy anymore. It got a little old too soon.

The Neighborhood

When I grew a little older, meaning not going to the village playground and playing with all the other little kids anymore, I stopped going out of the house to hangout around the neighborhood.

One afternoon I went to the store near my house.

My plan was that I was going to buy a pack of cigarettes and then head home to smoke. When I got there, a group of people with ages ranging from a little younger than me to a little older than me were hanging out. 

One of them called out to me. It turns out she was my classmate when we were little kids.  I sat with them and she introduced me to the whole bunch.  We all clicked and talked about a lot of stuff.  We exchanged numbers and the store near my house became the place to be for the whole summer.

The Silent Guy

I failed my Calculus class. In my school, if you fail any subject once, you get to be in the batch that enrolls last. Meaning, you get the left-over schedules: The latest and earliest of classes, the terror professors, the farthest rooms and three to four hour breaks.

The Silent Guy.

Since I failed Calculus, I had big breaks as a result of the policy that those-who-fail-once-will-get-the-craziest-schedules-forever.

So I had so much time to hangout with my block mates. Mostly the guys. For some reason, I was more comfortable with them. Silent guy was one of those guys. He does not talk. Well he does but he kind of was not heard most of the time. He was the type of person that everyone just loved to push around. Everyone was making fun of him and his hair! He never got mad though. He would pretend to get pissed but he never really snapped for real.
 
I never made fun of him while everyone did.

I remember during one of the enrollment seasons, Silent Guy asked me what my schedule was and if he could copy it because he did not want to make one on his own so I agreed. For the following term, we became really close because we were together in all of our classes. In between breaks, it was natural that we hung out as well. If not just the two of us, with our other friends. Things were nice. I did not want a relationship. I cannot imagine myself in one. He was there, the perfect guy friend who listened to me and really cared genuinely.

One night, he told me he had feelings for me.  I did not know what to do because he was not supposed to be feeling anything. We were buddies. I had a hard time pushing him away. I was scared to hurt him. He was my friend, of course.

His efforts poured. Picked me up and brought me home. Went everywhere with him. We talked a lot, hung out a lot. I was going with the flow. I did not want to be with him as in like lovers. I wanted to be with him as friends but I did not know how to draw the line.

Five months have passed. In that span of time I have told him to back of a couple of times. I told him that I will just end up hurting him. He would not listen. I was at fault too. I was never firm enough for him to really believe that I want him out.

Things happened. Despite the fact that I did not want him. I allowed things to happen. I did and said a lot of things that led him to think that we were going somewhere. I watched me do things that I should not be doing.

And then I met someone. Someone not so ordinary. I had to end it with Silent Guy.
 
I finally told him, "I cannot go on with this. I cannot be with you. I am sorry. I am sorry I led you on. I am sorry."

Goodbye Silent Guy.

The Tennis Guy

I broke it off with him, remember?

I was.. Confused. Tired. Wanting-to-have-something-new. Selfish. Self-centered.

This Tennis Guy. He was in my Literature class.  I enrolled on my own to see how it would be to go to a class without anyone I knew.  Funny thing is that I still ended up being classmates with my closest guy buddies.

We were group mates for our project. It was a play and it required long hours of practice. Well two to three hours with people you do not really know is long. So yes, there.

I kind of liked him even before we actually talked. Athletic. He played for the school's tennis team and he represented the country in international amateur tournaments.

Shortly after my break-up, I caught myself talking and hanging out with him a lot. So much that my guy buddies started to notice. They hated him. For obvious reasons, he had a lot of air. Literally and figuratively. He was a full-time ego-tripper who loved to talk about himself. I did not mind though. For some reason, I loved to listen.

I brought him to eat and hangout with my friends even if I knew they were not completely happy with it.

What I liked most was that he never made a move. You know, like move move. It seemed that he was just there to talk. At least that's what I think and feel.

He had to leave to attend school overseas. He got an athletic scholarship and was going to study there for free.

That was the end of it. I hear from him every now and then but there is nothing there anymore.