I am 20 now. I had a crush on this guy since I was in grade 3. I was.. 9. Yes, 9 years old.
He is my neighbor, my then-bus mate, my then-teammate, my then-playmate, we went to the same school obviously, went to the same church, went to the same university and took the same course.
Those were not exactly coincidences though.
I played tennis because he and his sister invited me to. I joined the tennis varsity so I can eventually invite him to join too. I go to church at 6 in the evening partly because the chances of seeing him there was pretty high. I started playing badminton before tennis because we played it on the street outside our houses. I wrote the course I am taking now on the list of course choices partly because I knew he was taking it. Part of the reasons why I actually chose my school now was because he was going there too. I tried to ride the skateboard and crashed because I found out he knew how to skateboard. I wanted my Dad to pick me up after tennis practice every time so that I could give him a ride home. I would buy so much candy when I was in grade 5 so that if ever he asks for some, I'd have some to give to him. I ditched my friend who offered me a ride from school only because he offered me a ride too. I smoked in broad daylight outside my house with my Mom inside only because he asked if we could smoke first before he left. I played guitar hero because he asked me to. I pretended I didn't like ube on my halo-halo just so he would dip his spoon in my cup to get my ube. I asked my Dad to go around first for a couple of minutes and not pick me up yet just because I was still talking to him. I kept the candy wrappers of the candies I got from him. Some of his messages were on my phone for 4 years, if my phone did not conk out, I'm sure it'll all be there until now. I pass through their street for the sake of passing there. I lose all senses for a few seconds every time I see him.
I loved hanging out with him and talking to him.
He is someone that is so wonderful to admire from a far.
Just from a far.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The 'Good' Guy
"I'm a good guy", that's what he always says.
We knew each other since we were in grade 6. We were seat mates and my best friend had a huge crush on him. We talked a lot. Like a lot. We used to have so much fun making up stupid stuff about our teachers and our other classmates.
We got together at the beginning of high school. We kind of tried it out. I guess we wanted to be each other's confidant, not lover, so we broke it off. I'm happy and very relieved that we did. Because if we didn't, I'm sure I'd die of jealousy and anger. He had so many girls. I cannot understand why all of them keep falling for him. He never gets tired of saying, "She's the one, I swear, she's the one." If ever I'd get money for every wrong girl that turned out, man, I would be filthy rich by now.
He would tell me all about his escapades! Crazy. He told me who is good with what. We were THAT close. I told him my stuff too!
He went away for the States for a while and when he got back, he slept, went to the gym and then went straight here in my house to raid our refrigerator. I loved our random food trips here at home so much. Unfortunately, he had to leave again.
We keep in touch to this day and he still tells me how much of a good guy he is. Really conceited, I'm sorry. Good Guy is an ass. But I love this ass. Haha.
See ya Good Guy!
We knew each other since we were in grade 6. We were seat mates and my best friend had a huge crush on him. We talked a lot. Like a lot. We used to have so much fun making up stupid stuff about our teachers and our other classmates.
We got together at the beginning of high school. We kind of tried it out. I guess we wanted to be each other's confidant, not lover, so we broke it off. I'm happy and very relieved that we did. Because if we didn't, I'm sure I'd die of jealousy and anger. He had so many girls. I cannot understand why all of them keep falling for him. He never gets tired of saying, "She's the one, I swear, she's the one." If ever I'd get money for every wrong girl that turned out, man, I would be filthy rich by now.
He would tell me all about his escapades! Crazy. He told me who is good with what. We were THAT close. I told him my stuff too!
He went away for the States for a while and when he got back, he slept, went to the gym and then went straight here in my house to raid our refrigerator. I loved our random food trips here at home so much. Unfortunately, he had to leave again.
We keep in touch to this day and he still tells me how much of a good guy he is. Really conceited, I'm sorry. Good Guy is an ass. But I love this ass. Haha.
See ya Good Guy!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
It is Firm and Unwavering
It comes like the rain, like the snow, like the wind, like the falling off of the leaves, like the sun's summer heat.
It comes in its season; ever so constant and unchanging. It is so constant you can wait for it. It comes almost on cue.
And yet each time it comes, it seems that you are caught off-guard. Each time it comes, it is as if it is new. When you look at it and feel it and even touch it, you know it. You know this emotion, this feeling. You know it by name and you know it by heart.
It has made you stop and think. Even fall.
You know this. You know it.
I know this. I know it.
It is Loneliness.
It comes in its season; ever so constant and unchanging. It is so constant you can wait for it. It comes almost on cue.
And yet each time it comes, it seems that you are caught off-guard. Each time it comes, it is as if it is new. When you look at it and feel it and even touch it, you know it. You know this emotion, this feeling. You know it by name and you know it by heart.
It has made you stop and think. Even fall.
You know this. You know it.
I know this. I know it.
It is Loneliness.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Sentimentalism
"Sentimentalism is the working off on yourself of feelings you haven't really got."
-D.H. Lawrence
-D.H. Lawrence
A Big Errant Contradiction
I am one big, walking errant contradiction.
There is confidence. There are doubts and fears.
There is boasting and feeling proud. There is feeling nothing and small.
There is feeling smart, knowing it all. There is feeling dumb.
There is contentment. There is wanting more.
There is happiness. There is grief and loneliness.
There is apathy. There is sympathy.
There is pride. There is too much giving of one's self.
There is moving on. There is going back.
There is trusting. There is holding back.
There is kindness. There is meanness.
There is hardworking. There is sloth.
There is faithful. There is turning away.
There is willingness. There is hesitation.
There is hope. There is giving up.
There is fine. There is messed up.
There is whole. There is incomplete.
There is confidence. There are doubts and fears.
There is boasting and feeling proud. There is feeling nothing and small.
There is feeling smart, knowing it all. There is feeling dumb.
There is contentment. There is wanting more.
There is happiness. There is grief and loneliness.
There is apathy. There is sympathy.
There is pride. There is too much giving of one's self.
There is moving on. There is going back.
There is trusting. There is holding back.
There is kindness. There is meanness.
There is hardworking. There is sloth.
There is faithful. There is turning away.
There is willingness. There is hesitation.
There is hope. There is giving up.
There is fine. There is messed up.
There is whole. There is incomplete.
Something worth saying
If you find love, no matter who it is with, you are lucky.
-Ashley, South of Nowhere
The Smooth Guy
In our first year in college, I was so scared of him. Our Religion professor asked us to say things about ourselves and Smooth Guy said he liked drinking and gambling. I was trying to exaggeratedly behave then, remember? I was freaked. Plus, he looked really old. Older than anyone of us in that classroom that day.
I never imagined myself being close to him.
First block field trip. We went on a day trip. He offered to bring me to the party I was going to later that night. Just so I would still go with the block to our first official field trip.
Nice move Smooth Guy. Very nice move. He got me right there and I thought he was not so bad after all.
A couple more of the Smooth Guy moves and a lot of classes together, we were as close as we could ever be. Talking about how much we clicked and how much fun we have when we're together. We also discussed that we would not work out as lovers because we would just argue for the rest of our lives. We settled with, "we were better of as friends".
I meant it. He did not.
I ran to Smooth Guy when I got broken because of not-so-ordinary girl. He listened to me and he understood. Or at least he tried to understand. He accepted me and told me that it was all going to be alright.
The following day, Smooth Guy seemed to have lost his smoothness. He told me in front of my face that he loved me. I cried then and there. I told him he was not helping and that I had so much going on already. He assured me. "No Pressure, Love."
Things were alright until he snapped. He told me why I cannot be with him when he's there and I needed somebody. No was not an option. I did not want to lose him. I said yes. I tried so hard to make it work. I really did.
But she changed everything already. She changed me already. I was looking for something different now. Something else. I wanted her.
I am sorry Smooth Guy. I broke you as well. I never intended for all of these to happen.
Goodbye now Smooth Guy.
I never imagined myself being close to him.
First block field trip. We went on a day trip. He offered to bring me to the party I was going to later that night. Just so I would still go with the block to our first official field trip.
Nice move Smooth Guy. Very nice move. He got me right there and I thought he was not so bad after all.
A couple more of the Smooth Guy moves and a lot of classes together, we were as close as we could ever be. Talking about how much we clicked and how much fun we have when we're together. We also discussed that we would not work out as lovers because we would just argue for the rest of our lives. We settled with, "we were better of as friends".
I meant it. He did not.
I ran to Smooth Guy when I got broken because of not-so-ordinary girl. He listened to me and he understood. Or at least he tried to understand. He accepted me and told me that it was all going to be alright.
The following day, Smooth Guy seemed to have lost his smoothness. He told me in front of my face that he loved me. I cried then and there. I told him he was not helping and that I had so much going on already. He assured me. "No Pressure, Love."
Things were alright until he snapped. He told me why I cannot be with him when he's there and I needed somebody. No was not an option. I did not want to lose him. I said yes. I tried so hard to make it work. I really did.
But she changed everything already. She changed me already. I was looking for something different now. Something else. I wanted her.
I am sorry Smooth Guy. I broke you as well. I never intended for all of these to happen.
Goodbye now Smooth Guy.
She is not so Ordinary
(Back to college)
Oh no, she is not.
There is something about Literature classes. I meet people there. This is my second Literature class. The last one that I will have to take.
Initially, she was nothing but a free-rider to me. Someone who joined my group because she feels that she does not have to do anything there. I was never able to ask her for help in any of our projects and she never gave any opinions during group discussions. No worries though, I was used to people like that.
The only conversations we ever had was when she would ask me about things concerning our Literature class --what to read, what to bring, what to do.
One busy night, my group mates and I was finishing a paper at a coffee shop near school and she was there. We greeted each other and sat in different places. Suddenly, my phone was ringing and it was her. She asked me to go to her and help her to fix something in her laptop. Weird but it was alright.
She messaged me that night. Asking me about so many things and she opened up a lot too. We kept in touch and the next thing I knew, I was sitting or lying down next to her in her pad. I was with her every chance that I got. I could say that I grabbed every chance that I could to be with her.
It did not take very long for me to find her amazing. Her thoughts and her views about things and how she expressed them and put them into words seemed so effortlessly wonderful. I found her intelligent and very brilliant. She said things with conviction and so much confidence. Unknowingly, she took me away.
She had no idea how much her words get stuck to my head and repeat itself many times over.
I never knew anyone like her. All the more feel so much attraction that went beyond the physical paradigm. It was an attraction to the amazing person that she was within. Everything was great.
I was so tired of everything then --series of events that were not great at all and the barrage of people who did not bring anything even as vague as a little meaning. Then she came. She gave me new perspective.
I would want to see it like that.
The good times had to stop though. I did not understand. I lost her as fast as she came into my life and changed everything. My views, my perspective. Everything.
Despite that, I never felt anger towards her. I cannot seem to make myself hate her.
I would still grab any chance I could to bring what I can back.
To this day, I would.
Oh no, she is not.
There is something about Literature classes. I meet people there. This is my second Literature class. The last one that I will have to take.
Initially, she was nothing but a free-rider to me. Someone who joined my group because she feels that she does not have to do anything there. I was never able to ask her for help in any of our projects and she never gave any opinions during group discussions. No worries though, I was used to people like that.
The only conversations we ever had was when she would ask me about things concerning our Literature class --what to read, what to bring, what to do.
One busy night, my group mates and I was finishing a paper at a coffee shop near school and she was there. We greeted each other and sat in different places. Suddenly, my phone was ringing and it was her. She asked me to go to her and help her to fix something in her laptop. Weird but it was alright.
She messaged me that night. Asking me about so many things and she opened up a lot too. We kept in touch and the next thing I knew, I was sitting or lying down next to her in her pad. I was with her every chance that I got. I could say that I grabbed every chance that I could to be with her.
It did not take very long for me to find her amazing. Her thoughts and her views about things and how she expressed them and put them into words seemed so effortlessly wonderful. I found her intelligent and very brilliant. She said things with conviction and so much confidence. Unknowingly, she took me away.
She had no idea how much her words get stuck to my head and repeat itself many times over.
I never knew anyone like her. All the more feel so much attraction that went beyond the physical paradigm. It was an attraction to the amazing person that she was within. Everything was great.
I was so tired of everything then --series of events that were not great at all and the barrage of people who did not bring anything even as vague as a little meaning. Then she came. She gave me new perspective.
I would want to see it like that.
The good times had to stop though. I did not understand. I lost her as fast as she came into my life and changed everything. My views, my perspective. Everything.
Despite that, I never felt anger towards her. I cannot seem to make myself hate her.
I would still grab any chance I could to bring what I can back.
To this day, I would.
The Smoker Guy
Smoker Guy.
Gross.
Trademark all over.
Smoked with. Talked with. Laughed with. Ate with. Got stoned with.
To this day, he wants to add things to the "withs" list.
Yikes.
Gross.
Trademark all over.
Smoked with. Talked with. Laughed with. Ate with. Got stoned with.
To this day, he wants to add things to the "withs" list.
Yikes.
The Project Guy
He was the type of guy you would look at from a far. The type you would talk about to your friends. How he walks around with that I-don't-care-about-the-world attitude.
We see each other often since we technically have a circle of common friends.
"Are you home? I want to see you. Can we hangout for just a bit?"
We usually hung out at home. I found out how messed up he really was. How he screwed up every chance to straighten up his life that he got. He switched schools as often as he changed clothes. A little exaggerated but I know you know what I mean.
One of my close friends and I, we called him our project. He was so messed up that we wanted to work on him through me.
Things did not work as planned.
Instead of me changing him, he kind of changed me.
He would pick me up in school and we would go anywhere. I liked the spontaneity. I liked it so much. He supplied me with everything I needed to live the life I wanted to live at that moment.
There was nothing more to that though. I was there for the thrill. Project Guy came whenever he would find out that I was not with anyone.
Until he became a father.
We see each other often since we technically have a circle of common friends.
"Are you home? I want to see you. Can we hangout for just a bit?"
We usually hung out at home. I found out how messed up he really was. How he screwed up every chance to straighten up his life that he got. He switched schools as often as he changed clothes. A little exaggerated but I know you know what I mean.
One of my close friends and I, we called him our project. He was so messed up that we wanted to work on him through me.
Things did not work as planned.
Instead of me changing him, he kind of changed me.
He would pick me up in school and we would go anywhere. I liked the spontaneity. I liked it so much. He supplied me with everything I needed to live the life I wanted to live at that moment.
There was nothing more to that though. I was there for the thrill. Project Guy came whenever he would find out that I was not with anyone.
Until he became a father.
The Mature Guy
I had this big fight with him and with her in 2004. I thought I'd lose them both. My boyfriend and my best friend.
Mature Guy. Literally because he was old and he had wisdom. That was what I saw in him then.
I ran to Mature Guy who I thought liked my neighbor at that time but I did not want to talk to anyone from school. I felt that the world was too small and that everyone knew about everything already.
We talked and he made everything alright. I cried a lot and he told me that those things happen for a reason. Everything seemed so right when the words came out of him. He was the perfect person for that so-far-from-perfect moment of my life.
I remember that was during my Christmas break. No classes, no extra-curricular activities. Nothing.
It was me, my neighbor, Mature Guy, my nephew and niece. We would do things here at home, go to the store, swim at the village pool, go to the park and just really be together.
At the time he was my ultimate hero. I had no one.
Of course, I let stupid things happen between us. That was starting to become my trademark. Crazy. Gross. Unreasonable.
When classes started, he came back and Mature Guy was out.
Mature Guy got so mad but I did not care about him anymore.
He's back. We're back. I got my best friend back a little after.
Mature Guy. Literally because he was old and he had wisdom. That was what I saw in him then.
I ran to Mature Guy who I thought liked my neighbor at that time but I did not want to talk to anyone from school. I felt that the world was too small and that everyone knew about everything already.
We talked and he made everything alright. I cried a lot and he told me that those things happen for a reason. Everything seemed so right when the words came out of him. He was the perfect person for that so-far-from-perfect moment of my life.
I remember that was during my Christmas break. No classes, no extra-curricular activities. Nothing.
It was me, my neighbor, Mature Guy, my nephew and niece. We would do things here at home, go to the store, swim at the village pool, go to the park and just really be together.
At the time he was my ultimate hero. I had no one.
Of course, I let stupid things happen between us. That was starting to become my trademark. Crazy. Gross. Unreasonable.
When classes started, he came back and Mature Guy was out.
Mature Guy got so mad but I did not care about him anymore.
He's back. We're back. I got my best friend back a little after.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The Little Guy
My phone beeped.
A few hours after we were first officially introduced, the Little Guy messaged me.
"Are you home already? What are you doing?"
"Yes, I am just home. Just watching TV. Why?"
"Can I drop by? Let's just smoke a little."
We have been smoking for the past hours but what the hell. "Alright. Message me if you're outside already."
We smoked outside my house. We talked. It felt alright. He had to leave. Said he had to go home to eat or something and then drink at one of the older guys' house.
At midnight or a little past midnight Little Guy messaged me.
"Are you still up?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"I'm still out. Can I drop by?"
"Sure. See you."
I do a lot of stupid things. I have foresight and yet I let things happen.
One of my friends liked him and I guess I liked the thought that I was getting him somehow.
For about two or three weeks, it was me, the Little Guy and our secret. Seeing each other before the regular afternoons at the store and then again at midnight after the drinking sessions.
I got tired. He did too.
I don't like the Little Guy anymore. It got a little old too soon.
A few hours after we were first officially introduced, the Little Guy messaged me.
"Are you home already? What are you doing?"
"Yes, I am just home. Just watching TV. Why?"
"Can I drop by? Let's just smoke a little."
We have been smoking for the past hours but what the hell. "Alright. Message me if you're outside already."
We smoked outside my house. We talked. It felt alright. He had to leave. Said he had to go home to eat or something and then drink at one of the older guys' house.
At midnight or a little past midnight Little Guy messaged me.
"Are you still up?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"I'm still out. Can I drop by?"
"Sure. See you."
I do a lot of stupid things. I have foresight and yet I let things happen.
One of my friends liked him and I guess I liked the thought that I was getting him somehow.
For about two or three weeks, it was me, the Little Guy and our secret. Seeing each other before the regular afternoons at the store and then again at midnight after the drinking sessions.
I got tired. He did too.
I don't like the Little Guy anymore. It got a little old too soon.
The Neighborhood
When I grew a little older, meaning not going to the village playground and playing with all the other little kids anymore, I stopped going out of the house to hangout around the neighborhood.
One afternoon I went to the store near my house.
My plan was that I was going to buy a pack of cigarettes and then head home to smoke. When I got there, a group of people with ages ranging from a little younger than me to a little older than me were hanging out.
One of them called out to me. It turns out she was my classmate when we were little kids. I sat with them and she introduced me to the whole bunch. We all clicked and talked about a lot of stuff. We exchanged numbers and the store near my house became the place to be for the whole summer.
One afternoon I went to the store near my house.
My plan was that I was going to buy a pack of cigarettes and then head home to smoke. When I got there, a group of people with ages ranging from a little younger than me to a little older than me were hanging out.
One of them called out to me. It turns out she was my classmate when we were little kids. I sat with them and she introduced me to the whole bunch. We all clicked and talked about a lot of stuff. We exchanged numbers and the store near my house became the place to be for the whole summer.
The Silent Guy
I failed my Calculus class. In my school, if you fail any subject once, you get to be in the batch that enrolls last. Meaning, you get the left-over schedules: The latest and earliest of classes, the terror professors, the farthest rooms and three to four hour breaks.
The Silent Guy.
Since I failed Calculus, I had big breaks as a result of the policy that those-who-fail-once-will-get-the-craziest-schedules-forever.
So I had so much time to hangout with my block mates. Mostly the guys. For some reason, I was more comfortable with them. Silent guy was one of those guys. He does not talk. Well he does but he kind of was not heard most of the time. He was the type of person that everyone just loved to push around. Everyone was making fun of him and his hair! He never got mad though. He would pretend to get pissed but he never really snapped for real.
I never made fun of him while everyone did.
I remember during one of the enrollment seasons, Silent Guy asked me what my schedule was and if he could copy it because he did not want to make one on his own so I agreed. For the following term, we became really close because we were together in all of our classes. In between breaks, it was natural that we hung out as well. If not just the two of us, with our other friends. Things were nice. I did not want a relationship. I cannot imagine myself in one. He was there, the perfect guy friend who listened to me and really cared genuinely.
One night, he told me he had feelings for me. I did not know what to do because he was not supposed to be feeling anything. We were buddies. I had a hard time pushing him away. I was scared to hurt him. He was my friend, of course.
His efforts poured. Picked me up and brought me home. Went everywhere with him. We talked a lot, hung out a lot. I was going with the flow. I did not want to be with him as in like lovers. I wanted to be with him as friends but I did not know how to draw the line.
Five months have passed. In that span of time I have told him to back of a couple of times. I told him that I will just end up hurting him. He would not listen. I was at fault too. I was never firm enough for him to really believe that I want him out.
Things happened. Despite the fact that I did not want him. I allowed things to happen. I did and said a lot of things that led him to think that we were going somewhere. I watched me do things that I should not be doing.
And then I met someone. Someone not so ordinary. I had to end it with Silent Guy.
I finally told him, "I cannot go on with this. I cannot be with you. I am sorry. I am sorry I led you on. I am sorry."
Goodbye Silent Guy.
The Silent Guy.
Since I failed Calculus, I had big breaks as a result of the policy that those-who-fail-once-will-get-the-craziest-schedules-forever.
So I had so much time to hangout with my block mates. Mostly the guys. For some reason, I was more comfortable with them. Silent guy was one of those guys. He does not talk. Well he does but he kind of was not heard most of the time. He was the type of person that everyone just loved to push around. Everyone was making fun of him and his hair! He never got mad though. He would pretend to get pissed but he never really snapped for real.
I never made fun of him while everyone did.
I remember during one of the enrollment seasons, Silent Guy asked me what my schedule was and if he could copy it because he did not want to make one on his own so I agreed. For the following term, we became really close because we were together in all of our classes. In between breaks, it was natural that we hung out as well. If not just the two of us, with our other friends. Things were nice. I did not want a relationship. I cannot imagine myself in one. He was there, the perfect guy friend who listened to me and really cared genuinely.
One night, he told me he had feelings for me. I did not know what to do because he was not supposed to be feeling anything. We were buddies. I had a hard time pushing him away. I was scared to hurt him. He was my friend, of course.
His efforts poured. Picked me up and brought me home. Went everywhere with him. We talked a lot, hung out a lot. I was going with the flow. I did not want to be with him as in like lovers. I wanted to be with him as friends but I did not know how to draw the line.
Five months have passed. In that span of time I have told him to back of a couple of times. I told him that I will just end up hurting him. He would not listen. I was at fault too. I was never firm enough for him to really believe that I want him out.
Things happened. Despite the fact that I did not want him. I allowed things to happen. I did and said a lot of things that led him to think that we were going somewhere. I watched me do things that I should not be doing.
And then I met someone. Someone not so ordinary. I had to end it with Silent Guy.
I finally told him, "I cannot go on with this. I cannot be with you. I am sorry. I am sorry I led you on. I am sorry."
Goodbye Silent Guy.
The Tennis Guy
I broke it off with him, remember?
I was.. Confused. Tired. Wanting-to-have-something-new. Selfish. Self-centered.
This Tennis Guy. He was in my Literature class. I enrolled on my own to see how it would be to go to a class without anyone I knew. Funny thing is that I still ended up being classmates with my closest guy buddies.
We were group mates for our project. It was a play and it required long hours of practice. Well two to three hours with people you do not really know is long. So yes, there.
I kind of liked him even before we actually talked. Athletic. He played for the school's tennis team and he represented the country in international amateur tournaments.
Shortly after my break-up, I caught myself talking and hanging out with him a lot. So much that my guy buddies started to notice. They hated him. For obvious reasons, he had a lot of air. Literally and figuratively. He was a full-time ego-tripper who loved to talk about himself. I did not mind though. For some reason, I loved to listen.
I brought him to eat and hangout with my friends even if I knew they were not completely happy with it.
What I liked most was that he never made a move. You know, like move move. It seemed that he was just there to talk. At least that's what I think and feel.
He had to leave to attend school overseas. He got an athletic scholarship and was going to study there for free.
That was the end of it. I hear from him every now and then but there is nothing there anymore.
I was.. Confused. Tired. Wanting-to-have-something-new. Selfish. Self-centered.
This Tennis Guy. He was in my Literature class. I enrolled on my own to see how it would be to go to a class without anyone I knew. Funny thing is that I still ended up being classmates with my closest guy buddies.
We were group mates for our project. It was a play and it required long hours of practice. Well two to three hours with people you do not really know is long. So yes, there.
I kind of liked him even before we actually talked. Athletic. He played for the school's tennis team and he represented the country in international amateur tournaments.
Shortly after my break-up, I caught myself talking and hanging out with him a lot. So much that my guy buddies started to notice. They hated him. For obvious reasons, he had a lot of air. Literally and figuratively. He was a full-time ego-tripper who loved to talk about himself. I did not mind though. For some reason, I loved to listen.
I brought him to eat and hangout with my friends even if I knew they were not completely happy with it.
What I liked most was that he never made a move. You know, like move move. It seemed that he was just there to talk. At least that's what I think and feel.
He had to leave to attend school overseas. He got an athletic scholarship and was going to study there for free.
That was the end of it. I hear from him every now and then but there is nothing there anymore.
The Story: An Overview
I have been in a relationship. Or relationships? Six years with my boyfriend. Now ex-boyfriend. And eight years and counting with my best friend. Girl best friend. My whole life, these were the two relationships that have molded me. I think.
I met her in school. Grade 6. We were classmates. I knew she hated me back then because the guy of her dreams was rumored to be crushing on me. But no worries best friend, I was scared of him anyway. We talked and we talked and we talked. Then there, best friends we became. We went on doing what best friends do.
I met him through a friend. My best friend's then boyfriend's then best friend. He was that new guy who came in during our Grade 6 year and immediately played for the basketball team.
During our first year in high school, he came up to me. We happened. It was an easy three years when my life evolved around him and my best friend and our small circle of friends.
My best friend and I, we were still best friends. But bizarre things were starting to happen. And they did not stop. Things between me and my best friend went haywire. Somehow though, we remained as the usual best friends outside but between the two of us, we were not.
Me and him, we're still together and I was a good girlfriend to him. Watched his games, gave him gifts, supported him, listened and talked to him, I loved and cared for him the best way I knew how.
Third year. Things became crazy. Super crazy. I became close to a different group of people. I had fun. It was not all clean but who cares, things were great. I had "adventures". My new friends, we called it that. All the little rebellions left and right. Our talks about how messed up things are around us and how we wanted to start to do things differently. And we did. I became someone I never knew I could become.
Vices. Vices. Vices.
He stayed with me through everything. I messed up and he cleaned myself up for me. I fell down and he picked me up, got himself dirty dusting me. I would do the craziest, most inconsiderate of things and he would be there to tell me to stop. I never listened. He was always patient with me. Always. There were times that I would push him away but he would come back each and every single time that I would fall because of the crazy things that I do.
My best friend and I started to have issues. I guess it was because of the understanding that we had between us. Our jealousy and greed ate us both alive. But somehow, we are able to rise above all of those and to this day, remain as what we are.
I hurt her. Too many times. But at that time, I could not care less. But she never left me entirely.
I hurt him. Too many times. But at that time, I could not care less. But he never left me entirely.
The fall I had that caused the loudest and the most painful thud was when we were about to finish high school. A series of stupid, unthinkable, inconceivable and illogical mistakes. I almost got kicked out of school. I pushed him away to be able to do my incredibly stupid deeds and when it was time to clean up the mess, he was there again.
At that time, he was everything. I was so afraid of everything else. I did not want to even stand up from the couch inside our house where we always hangout doing whatever: watching DVDs, playing with the PS2, watching TV, eating or even just talking.
I was able to survive that horrible, horrible phase of my life though. Got into college and steadied.
I spent my first year of college trying to be in my best behavior. Somehow, trying to be who I am not. Exaggeratedly behaved. Watched movies with my block mates, had dinners together, spent wholesome time cracking jokes and those things. It was all good until I kind of got tired already. I got back to my vices but all in moderation. I know now.
I broke it off with him.
I am still in it with her.
I met her in school. Grade 6. We were classmates. I knew she hated me back then because the guy of her dreams was rumored to be crushing on me. But no worries best friend, I was scared of him anyway. We talked and we talked and we talked. Then there, best friends we became. We went on doing what best friends do.
I met him through a friend. My best friend's then boyfriend's then best friend. He was that new guy who came in during our Grade 6 year and immediately played for the basketball team.
During our first year in high school, he came up to me. We happened. It was an easy three years when my life evolved around him and my best friend and our small circle of friends.
My best friend and I, we were still best friends. But bizarre things were starting to happen. And they did not stop. Things between me and my best friend went haywire. Somehow though, we remained as the usual best friends outside but between the two of us, we were not.
Me and him, we're still together and I was a good girlfriend to him. Watched his games, gave him gifts, supported him, listened and talked to him, I loved and cared for him the best way I knew how.
Third year. Things became crazy. Super crazy. I became close to a different group of people. I had fun. It was not all clean but who cares, things were great. I had "adventures". My new friends, we called it that. All the little rebellions left and right. Our talks about how messed up things are around us and how we wanted to start to do things differently. And we did. I became someone I never knew I could become.
Vices. Vices. Vices.
He stayed with me through everything. I messed up and he cleaned myself up for me. I fell down and he picked me up, got himself dirty dusting me. I would do the craziest, most inconsiderate of things and he would be there to tell me to stop. I never listened. He was always patient with me. Always. There were times that I would push him away but he would come back each and every single time that I would fall because of the crazy things that I do.
My best friend and I started to have issues. I guess it was because of the understanding that we had between us. Our jealousy and greed ate us both alive. But somehow, we are able to rise above all of those and to this day, remain as what we are.
I hurt her. Too many times. But at that time, I could not care less. But she never left me entirely.
I hurt him. Too many times. But at that time, I could not care less. But he never left me entirely.
The fall I had that caused the loudest and the most painful thud was when we were about to finish high school. A series of stupid, unthinkable, inconceivable and illogical mistakes. I almost got kicked out of school. I pushed him away to be able to do my incredibly stupid deeds and when it was time to clean up the mess, he was there again.
At that time, he was everything. I was so afraid of everything else. I did not want to even stand up from the couch inside our house where we always hangout doing whatever: watching DVDs, playing with the PS2, watching TV, eating or even just talking.
I was able to survive that horrible, horrible phase of my life though. Got into college and steadied.
I spent my first year of college trying to be in my best behavior. Somehow, trying to be who I am not. Exaggeratedly behaved. Watched movies with my block mates, had dinners together, spent wholesome time cracking jokes and those things. It was all good until I kind of got tired already. I got back to my vices but all in moderation. I know now.
I broke it off with him.
I am still in it with her.
Blogging is for...
Blogging.. They say is for people who have nothing to do. I, for one, believed this for the longest time. Now, I am here. Not because I have nothing to do, in fact, I have other things to do but I just think that this is a perfect outlet, a perfect channel to express thoughts, feelings and the slightest randomness ever encountered in whatever form.
So, from this day on. I will be constantly updating this.
Expressing. Writing. Feeling. Touching.
BLOGGING.
:)
So, from this day on. I will be constantly updating this.
Expressing. Writing. Feeling. Touching.
BLOGGING.
:)
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