The Ultimate Crush

I am 20 now. I had a crush on this guy since I was in grade 3. I was.. 9. Yes, 9 years old.

He is my neighbor, my then-bus mate, my then-teammate, my then-playmate, we went to the same school obviously, went to the same church, went to the same university and took the same course.

Those were not exactly coincidences though.

I played tennis because he and his sister invited me to. I joined the tennis varsity so I can eventually invite him to join too. I go to church at 6 in the evening partly because the chances of seeing him there was pretty high. I started playing badminton before tennis because we played it on the street outside our houses. I wrote the course I am taking now on the list of course choices partly because I knew he was taking it. Part of the reasons why I actually chose my school now was because he was going there too. I tried to ride the skateboard and crashed because I found out he knew how to skateboard. I wanted my Dad to pick me up after tennis practice every time so that I could give him a ride home. I would buy so much candy when I was in grade 5 so that if ever he asks for some, I'd have some to give to him. I ditched my friend who offered me a ride from school only because he offered me a ride too. I smoked in broad daylight outside my house with my Mom inside only because he asked if we could smoke first before he left. I played guitar hero because he asked me to. I pretended I didn't like ube on my halo-halo just so he would dip his spoon in my cup to get my ube. I asked my Dad to go around first for a couple of minutes and not pick me up yet just because I was still talking to him. I kept the candy wrappers of the candies I got from him. Some of his messages were on my phone for 4 years, if my phone did not conk out, I'm sure it'll all be there until now. I pass through their street for the sake of passing there. I lose all senses for a few seconds every time I see him.

I loved hanging out with him and talking to him.

He is someone that is so wonderful to admire from a far.

Just from a far.

The 'Good' Guy

"I'm a good guy", that's what he always says.

We knew each other since we were in grade 6. We were seat mates and my best friend had a huge crush on him. We talked a lot. Like a lot. We used to have so much fun making up stupid stuff about our teachers and our other classmates.

We got together at the beginning of high school. We kind of tried it out. I guess we wanted to be each other's confidant, not lover, so we broke it off. I'm happy and very relieved that we did. Because if we didn't, I'm sure I'd die of jealousy and anger. He had so many girls. I cannot understand why all of them keep falling for him. He never gets tired of saying, "She's the one, I swear, she's the one." If ever I'd get money for every wrong girl that turned out, man, I would be filthy rich by now.

He would tell me all about his escapades! Crazy. He told me who is good with what. We were THAT close. I told him my stuff too!

He went away for the States for a while and when he got back, he slept, went to the gym and then went straight here in my house to raid our refrigerator. I loved our random food trips here at home so much. Unfortunately, he had to leave again.

We keep in touch to this day and he still tells me how much of a good guy he is. Really conceited, I'm sorry. Good Guy is an ass. But I love this ass. Haha.

See ya Good Guy!

It is Firm and Unwavering

It comes like the rain, like the snow, like the wind, like the falling off of the leaves, like the sun's summer heat.

It comes in its season; ever so constant and unchanging. It is so constant you can wait for it. It comes almost on cue.

And yet each time it comes, it seems that you are caught off-guard. Each time it comes, it is as if it is new. When you look at it and feel it and even touch it, you know it. You know this emotion, this feeling. You know it by name and you know it by heart.

It has made you stop and think. Even fall.

You know this. You know it.

I know this. I know it.

It is Loneliness.

Sentimentalism

"Sentimentalism is the working off on yourself of feelings you haven't really got."
-D.H. Lawrence

A Big Errant Contradiction

I am one big, walking errant contradiction.

There is confidence. There are doubts and fears.
There is boasting and feeling proud. There is feeling nothing and small.
There is feeling smart, knowing it all. There is feeling dumb.
There is contentment. There is wanting more.
There is happiness. There is grief and loneliness.
There is apathy. There is sympathy.
There is pride. There is too much giving of one's self.
There is moving on. There is going back.
There is trusting. There is holding back.
There is kindness. There is meanness.
There is hardworking. There is sloth.
There is faithful. There is turning away.
There is willingness. There is hesitation.
There is hope. There is giving up.
There is fine. There is messed up.
There is whole. There is incomplete.