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Not happy about what I did. It hurts to hurt someone I've taken care of all these many months.  It hurts to know that I've caused so much pain and sadness.

I feel like I'm such a lousy, mean and weak person.  I'm so lousy for not finding in me the will to fight and take in some more.  I think I'm mean for being able to stand by my word that I will leave despite everything. And I'm definitely weak for giving up.

Right now, I have nothing good to offer to anyone.  I'm in such a bad shape.

But I fought.  I know I did. I took in as much as I could possibly take in.  I know that I've given it my all while I could still give whatever I have in me.  And yet I feel so bad.  I feel so f**king bad that I'm breaking down.  I'm thinking that if I'm hurting like this even if I'm the one who did this, how much more is she hurting?  The bad butterflies I have are really bad.  How much worse are hers?