.

Why does it have to be so hard.

I think it's here

A few days ago, I was just saying that I did not want the day to come when I would just decide to stop fixing things and stop trying to make stuff work between us. That I hope we will change before either one of us feels that there is no point in trying anymore.

I think that day came sooner than I thought it would.

Thank You

Thank You
..for the endless reasons to be grateful
..that despite everything that I have done, You remain by my side
..for teaching me new lessons everyday
..for giving me the grace to accept the things that I cannot do anything about and for making me realize what things I can do something about
..for the gift of family and the warmth of our home
..for providing for my family's needs
..for protecting each and everyone of us as we go about our daily lives
..that my parents are as generous and loving as they are
..for my job and for this opportunity to learn and earn at the same time
..that my colleagues are also my friends
..for the leads You send my way
..that my parents are still willing to send me to school and that I just need to choose to focus on it for me to finish
..that I am living the life that I am living
..for the people You send my way
..for Chrisna and for the new things that she makes me feel and the things she makes me think about
..for strengthening my heart to take what I need to take in
..that in my confusion and doubt, You are there to make things clear
..for always being there for me even if I am not always here for You
..that I have my friends who are always there even if I am not such a good friend to them
..for humbling my heart all the time

..for everything.

I will..

Starting today, I will try to talk less and do more.
I guess it's true what they say.. Well done is always better than well said.

2 months and 1 day today

We are 2 months and 1 day today.

8 weeks and a day..
..of being in love
..of arguing and making up again
..of knowing and of understanding
..of how we are together
..of what the our lives together is like
..of what can be from today until I take my last breath

8 weeks and a day that's a sneak peak to forever.

Question-

Is it still love when you choose to be overpowered by pride?

.

I love you.
But how can I show you if you won't let me?
If this is a pride game, I am afraid I'll have to get off of the court.

---

What am I doing wrong?
I hate ticking you off but for some reason, I always end up doing so.
I'm doing everything but the right stuff.
It's not supposed to be like this.

--

This never gets old:
The simpler, the better.

I think it will always follow that things will always be easier if everything is kept as simple as possible.

-

I told her I love her and she said she loves mo too.

Things fall apart sometimes

You know when you feel you have everything under control and then everything just falls through?  And then you realize, you've got everything wrong.

Oh man, I'm in the "and-then-everything-just-falls-through" stage right now.
At work, in school and in everything else.

I'll take a step back first.  I'll need to take a breather.

Move Forward

Whenever we go somewhere, we only know so much about where we're headed to.  It's like watching a movie- you know what you'll watch and you sort of have an idea about how the story goes.  But you really never know how good or bad the movie will be until you actually watch it.

I think it's the same for a lot of things.  We decide whether we will move forward or not based on a number of things.  But whatever happens, no matter how much we observe, a blind side will always be there.  So if you're planning to do something, do what you have to do to weigh your pros and cons, and then just go for it.  Go ahead and find out.  Move forward.

Letter to myself 365 days from now

By now, you should have finished graduate school.  No excuses.
You should have been able to set aside money to pay the unit you bought in full upon its turnover to you.
You should be with someone who makes your heart smile everyday.  Someone who makes you want to be a better person.
By now, you should be flawless at your job.  By this time, you should be able to close 2 leases each week
By now, you should be starting to plan your next property acquisition.
You should be a whole lot better in everything now than you were 365 days ago.

Remember to grow up but not grow old.
Explore and do not be afraid.
It's never about what people think, it's about how you feel.


*come back and read this on July 9, 2013 and leave a comment to record it.

Just Say Yes

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

Please take my hand
For God's sake, dear
It's all I want

Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol

There is always something to be thankful for

Thank You that I am here, living the life that I am living.
Thank You that I have a job that I enjoy doing.
Thank You for my family and my friends.
Thank You for the gift of life and love.

Thank You because right now, my heart is smiling.
Thank You that despite the uncertainty, there is a string of something meaningful to hang on to.
Thank You that even if I am afraid to get hurt, I move forward.
Thank You for another reason to be grateful.

#C

--

Give your best in anything and in everything for as long as it is possible.
One way or another, things will always work out well.
If not as you expected, maybe even better.

-

You are something else.

Addicted.

You say that you'd be back now
After your last more flight
And so I see you off well
And look the other way with all my might

And I might be addicted
To where and how you land up on your feet
Yeah, I might be addicted
To how you always get the best of me

I say out loud this is the last time

I wonder if you'll back down
There is no end in sight
I'm waiting for the right one 
And when we'll ever really get it right

And I might be addicted
To where and how you land up on your feet
Yeah, I might be addicted
To how you always get the best of me

Universe, how strong am I?
There's one more exit flies on by

Yeah, I might be addicted
To where and how you land up on your feet
Yeah, I might be addicted
To how you always get the best of me

Listen to Addicted here.

Uncertainty

I'm not a fan of uncertainty. But I guess there's nothing wrong with deciding to just go with it.

..

I realized that we do not have to take in anything that makes us anything but happy.  Life is too short to not be happy or at the very least, okay.

Silence

Your silence makes me feel that I've finally been listened to.

Thank you.

Can't move. Can't sit still.

I'm too exhausted to go back.  I'm too restless to sit still.  I need to push myself forward but I can't move.

I need something else.

-

Not happy about what I did. It hurts to hurt someone I've taken care of all these many months.  It hurts to know that I've caused so much pain and sadness.

I feel like I'm such a lousy, mean and weak person.  I'm so lousy for not finding in me the will to fight and take in some more.  I think I'm mean for being able to stand by my word that I will leave despite everything. And I'm definitely weak for giving up.

Right now, I have nothing good to offer to anyone.  I'm in such a bad shape.

But I fought.  I know I did. I took in as much as I could possibly take in.  I know that I've given it my all while I could still give whatever I have in me.  And yet I feel so bad.  I feel so f**king bad that I'm breaking down.  I'm thinking that if I'm hurting like this even if I'm the one who did this, how much more is she hurting?  The bad butterflies I have are really bad.  How much worse are hers?

Crazy

I am not in my best shape tonight, at this moment. I came from a 5-day vacation and I thought that I'd crash and fall asleep to get back to work tomorrow. Thing is, I'm up and feeling very different. There are so many things going on inside my head that I wish I could just shut out everything.

-

Always note that our value as human beings does not increase when the people around us make mistakes. Other peoples' failure does not, in any way, improve where we stand in life.

Attitude of Gratitude

Thank you, Lord for a lot of things. Thank you for everything.

Thank you for my family. For how they are and for how we are towards each other. For the love they show me and for accepting me for who and what I am. Thank you that Mom and Dad are always there to help me in any way that they can. Thank you that my brother, my sister, my in-laws and my cousins are such that I could easily talk to them. Thank you that even if we have our differences, we can set those aside to serve and love each other.

Thank you for the companionship that Kd and I have. Thank you for the security that we enjoy in each other. Thank you for the friendship that we have. Thank you for our differences; that through these, we are able to learn and grow for each other's sake. Thank you for the love and the openness that we share.

Thank you for the gift of friendship that I enjoy with the friends that I am blessed with. Friends since I was a kid, in grade school, high school, in college and even afterward, at work. Friends that I can enjoy a good laugh with, a good conversation or anything else.

Thank you that I have a job that I enjoy doing. A job where I can meet people and find out more about the world outside mine through their stories. Thank you Lord for giving me a job that can fund the things that I want to do. Thank you for putting me in a position where what I earn is based on the effort I put into my work.

Thank you for the opportunity to live the life that I am living now. For this chance to be who and what I am. Thank you that I can write this now. Thank you that I am here.

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.

First for 2012

Some things were reaffirmed to me during this first month and a half of 2012:

If we work hard, there's no way we'll be unlucky. Maybe some are luckier than others but for as long as there is hard work, luck will just be around the corner.

It's better to be on the giving end than on the receiving end. When you're giving, means you've got something.

In relation to that previous line, give more than you take.

And lastly.. Be kind and life will be kind to you. What goes around always comes back around. So be kind.